


Not Broken Just Bent

by ohellnovak



Category: Supernatural
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-07-28
Updated: 2014-08-19
Packaged: 2018-02-11 02:28:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,373
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2049936
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ohellnovak/pseuds/ohellnovak
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Winchesters are dead and Castiel is left on his own, guilty and human. His life finally starts to pick up until someone comes back, wanting revenge.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Start of Something New

**Author's Note:**

> I originally published this on my old account at the very beginning of June, but that got deleted, so I'm posting it on this new one. Anyway, lets say Sam and Dean both die in season 10 (will be explained in detail at some point in the story). Then instead of cas' grace disappearing causing him to die, he just removes in as a last resort and becomes human again. Not my best work but not my worst. Hope you enjoy!

_Sam._

Castiel’s mind slipped away as the name echoed through his head and a river of guilt washed over him. Sam didn’t deserve to die, especially not the gruesome way he did.

_It’s all my fault, Dean.  
Dean._

The thought of Dean was ten times worse.  More pain. More guilt.

_I don’t deserve to live._

“The receipt?”

Castiel slipped out of his trance and looked towards the young man speaking in front of him.

“What?” Confusion washed over Castiel’s face.

“The receipt. You didn’t give me the receipt.”

“Oh, my apologies.” Castiel tore out the receipt and handed it to the man.

He just couldn’t seem to concentrate today.

Castiel glanced down at his watch as the man walked away--4:36. Only 24 more minutes until his shift was over. He had been working at the coffee shop for around two months. Or maybe it was 3 months. Castiel couldn’t remember. Even still, he did enjoy his job. It gave him a sense of accomplishment, that he could successfully blend in when he was really so different. And it helped distract him--if you use the word “distract” loosely.

When he looked up from his watch, there was a woman standing in front of him. He questioned whether he had been looking down for longer than a few seconds when she spoke.

“Hey Steve,” she said.

_Steve. I’ll never get used to it._

“Hello, Kathy. The usual?” Castiel forced a smile. The least he could do was act friendly.

“Yup.” Kathy was at the coffee shop a lot, and it was usually while he was working. Castiel didn’t really notice, though. He usually had more significant things to think about than some customer.

Castiel proceeded to get her order ready. “It’s, um, $4.72,” he said.

She handed him a 5 dollar bill. “Keep the change.” Castiel opened the register and placed the 5 dollar bill inside. “How have you been lately?” she asked.

A look of confusion appeared on his face for what felt like the hundredth time that day. He was still confused about a lot of things humans said or did even with his long periods of time on earth. Why did she care how he was? Maybe it was small talk. “I’ve been, uh, fine I guess,” he said as he gave her her coffee and muffin.

“Good. Um… so when does your shift end?” She placed a hand on the counter and leaned slightly closer, blonde hair cascading over her shoulders.

_Why does she care when my shift ends?_

“5:00. Why do you ask?”

“Maybe we can have dinner or something.” That got his attention. He tried to clear the few irrelevant thoughts from his mind so he could think about what she just said, but it just made him tense up. He was never very good at these kinds of things.

Castiel looked down at his feet and started subconsciously twiddling his fingers. It was strange how such a little thing could make him so nervous after all he’s seen.  “Like a date?” He forced himself to look back up, waiting for an answer.

Kathy giggled. “Yes, like a date.” She took a sip of her coffee. A few drops strayed away from her lips and rolled down her chin.

Castiel paused and considered what she had asked. How _did_ he feel about it? Surprised. Yes, that was accurate. But what about her? He picked his head up a little higher and looked at her, really looked at her for the first time. She was pretty. And somehow her appearance just gave off a friendly vibe. She didn’t look nervous. Did he look nervous? He probably looked stupid.

_Focus._

He tried to clear his mind of the ridiculous fears that were flowing through it. Well, she came to the shop almost every day and always tried to strike up conversation. If she was flirting, Castiel just didn’t notice. He was usually distracted--the events of the past year replaying over and over in his head. Maybe it would be nice to spend time with someone else for once. He had been human for two months and he had barely talked to anyone.

“Sure, I um.” Castiel blushed as he tried to find the right words. “I would like that.” He tried giving her a smile to ease his nerves, but it was hopeless. She could tell he was anxious, and he knew that. “Great. Can I have a pen?” she asked as she grabbed a napkin from the counter.

Castiel fumbled through one of the drawers in front of him until he found a blue pen. “Here.”

She quickly took the pen from his hand. “Ok,” she talked as she scribbled down various numbers and letters on the napkin, “How about later you come over to my place and I make us dinner.”

Castiel didn’t want to impose. “No, I couldn’t—“

“I insist, Steve.” She clicked the pen closed and placed it on the counter with one hand as she stretched out the other to give him the napkin. “Really, I do.” He was a little relieved that she insisted on hosting. His place wasn’t the most impressive, and he didn’t know how to cook much either. Even so, Castiel still hesitated a couple seconds before gently taking it from her hand.

“See you tonight,” said Kathy. She started to turn towards the door but quickly turned back. “Wait, is 7:00 ok?”

Castiel looked at her with a blank expression until what she had said registered in his mind. He was already losing focus.  “Oh, um yes, 7:00 is fine.”

“Great.” A smirk crept onto her face as she winked at him and turned around, making her way towards the door.

Castiel finally looked down at the slightly crushed napkin in his hand.

_4092 Lincoln Street Apt. 16_

He stood unmoving at the counter until another customer came up to him, and he found himself smiling. It was involuntary instead of forced like so many of his smiles had been lately. Because for the first time in what felt like an eternity, Castiel wasn’t thinking about the Winchesters. He had something happy on his mind. Something to look forward to.

_I have a date tonight._


	2. A Night to Remember

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Soooooo this is chapter 2! Castiel goes on his date. I'm sorry it has so many words!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took so long. I know I published chapter 1 in July, but I promise I'll speed up the writing. And thanks for the feedback on chapter 1! I always appreciate it!

Castiel rummaged through his closet, looking for something acceptable to wear. He didn't have many clothes. And he didn't exactly go on many dates.

_Dean would know._

He tried to clear the thought from his mind. He finally had something happy to think about and he wasn't going to ruin it with another guilt trip.

It had been almost two years since he took Theo’s grace and left his almost ordinary life behind, so it was strange getting used to human things again—whether it came to eating or picking out clothes to wear. But at least it wasn't as hard as it was two years ago. This time was different. He knew when he was going to become human again and had prepared for the transition. He obtained enough money to get a small place so he wouldn’t be homeless months before while he was still an angel, and he knew what to expect.

He also knew it was permanent this time.

Castiel finally settled on jeans and a dark blue button-up shirt. He changed out of his work clothes and put them on, taking a look in the mirror he rarely paid attention to. His hair was ruffled and his face cleanly shaved, and the shirt was unbuttoned a little at the top. Castiel thought about his appearance as he adjusted his hair in the mirror. He wasn't really sure if he looked respectable enough for a date, but he tried to put if off as nerves and decided he looked fine.

_Dean would know._

★★★

Castiel tapped a finger on the steering wheel as he drove away from his small apartment to the address written on the napkin lying next to him. He learned to drive a while ago though he never legally got his driver’s license. The car wasn't technically his either. Let’s just say he picked up a few tricks from Dean.

He understood why Dean loved driving so much. It was relaxing. The only sound was the low hum of the engine and the light thumping of his finger on the wheel.  It made it easy for his mind to wander and was one of the things he liked about being human.

_Being human._

Castiel couldn't decide on his exact feelings towards being human. He had mixed emotions towards many of the primary aspects. First, there was food, which wasn't very complicated. The taste was usually good,  but he found eating repetitive. Then there was sleeping. Sleeping was like being unconscious for a few hours. It was a way to forget about everything for a little while. However, it was time consuming. It was hard to focus when he was always so tired. Most importantly, there were emotions. Castiel didn't have enough knowledge to make an informed decision when it came to emotions. He had only had a chance to experience the awful kinds of feelings—sadness, guilt, anger, pain. He had never gotten the chance to experience joy, love,

_Happiness._

He knew of such emotions, but as time went on, he came to believe they were nothing but a myth. Sure there may be moments where a smile would grow on his face at the sight of something nice, but they never lasted longer than a few seconds. Yet he always had some amount of anger or guilt flowing through his body. Eventually, he started to see that humans were good at hiding their troubles and worries deep enough that _they_ even believed they weren't there. No one could possibly be happy in such a horrible world.

The drive wasn't very long, maybe fifteen minutes. He parked on the side of the road and got out of the car, taking a look at the building in front of him. A sign reading _Claremont Apartments_ was fixed over the doors.

He walked away from his car towards the building where Kathy would be waiting. He was nervous, of course. He had never been on a real date before. Castiel took a deep breath before placing a finger on the button marked Kathy Tredway.

“Steve?” Kathy’s voice was fuzzy through the speaker.

“Yes, it’s me.” There was a small pause before an annoying buzz sounded and Castiel pushed the door open.

He climbed the stairs and approached the door apprehensively. He was about to knock when it suddenly swung open.

Castiel hadn't really paid much attention to Kathy’s appearance before, but now it was nearly impossible to take his eyes off her. She was wearing a strapless red dress that stopped right before her knees. It clung to her body with small ruffed folds all the way down, and her blonde hair flowed down her shoulders in luscious curls. Castiel changed his mind at the sight of her and decided he was definitely underdressed.

He stood just outside the door, awkwardly, as he tried to find the right words. “Wow you look—you’re um…” He was making a fool of himself and realized he wasn't as good at talking to people as he thought. Then again, every time he’d talked to anyone lately, his mind had been somewhere else. He silently promised himself that he would work on his people skills soon. “You look great.”

Kathy chuckled a little, unmoving in her spot. “Thanks. I know I’m a little overdressed, but I haven’t had a chance to get fancy in a while.” There was silence for a few seconds until she spoke again. “You can come in, you know.” Castiel walked in and gave her a smile, and she led him over to the couch. “I’m almost finished cooking. You do like steak, right?” Castiel lightly nodded his head, and she walked away towards the kitchen. He couldn't help but look as she almost glided across the floor. Steak. He’d actually never had steak before. He had been living off cheap take-out and cereal over the last couple months. But he knew Dean liked it, so he assumed it was probably good.

It was the first time in months that the thought of Dean didn't bring a river of guilt over him. Castiel didn't notice.

He used the minutes alone to admire her apartment. It was only slightly bigger than Castiel’s though it was decorated much better. He didn't really take the time to buy matching furniture or cute antiques to display. But, luckily, they weren't at his place, so it didn't matter at the moment. What did matter was dinner. What are you even supposed to talk about on dates?

Castiel kept fidgeting on the couch, never finding a comfortable position. He had just brought his legs up when he heard Kathy's voice. “Steve, it’s ready.” The leather squeaked as he slid his hands over the fabric and pushed himself up, then nervously made his way to her kitchen.

The table was the first thing he noticed. There were two plates at each end with a small steak and a side of rice, each accompanied by a glass of red wine. There was a candle lit in the middle of the table, and even Castiel knew it was romantic. The second thing he noticed was Kathy standing at one side of the table, casually playing with her hands. He quickly walked over to her and pulled out the chair sitting under the table. “Thanks,” she said casually, meeting his eyes for only a second. A relaxed a little as she smiled up at him before stepping to the other side and sitting down. Questions raced through his mind regarding whether he should start eating or say something.

“This looks great, you must have put a lot of work into it,” is what Castiel decided on. “Oh, it wasn't any trouble,” Kathy replied. She blushed. Maybe he wasn't the only one who was nervous.

She picked up a knife and stuck it into her steak, and he took it as a sign that he could eat, too. He realized he was hungrier than he thought as he eagerly cut off a slice and put it into his mouth. It kind of tasted like a burger.

There were only a few seconds of silence before Castiel spoke again. “So, tell me about yourself.” It came out much smoother than he expected. It was probably the only thing he had said to her today that didn't come out nervous and choppy. “Well that’s a little vague,” Kathy said in reply. She was smiling. That was a good sign, right? “What do you want to know?”

Castiel didn't really know what he wanted to hear. “Anything,” he quickly said in reply. It came out unexpectedly, but it was honest.

“Well, I've lived here in Iowa my whole life. I grew up a few towns over and I got this place a couple years ago. I… work as a pediatrician.” She slowed down her words as she tried to think of more to say. Castiel just sipped his wine as he listened. “My office is only 10 minutes away from here. But, you probably don’t care about that. It’s not really important. I’m rambling, aren't I?” She looked almost nervous for a second, but the moment was gone as quickly as it had come and she smiled. “I just haven’t been on a date in a while. You see, I went out with this guy, Josh, for two years, but he, um.” She seemed to be having trouble getting the words out. “Well I caught him cheating with his coworker. It ended a couple months ago.” It took a moment for Castiel to realize that she stopped talking, expecting a response. He was at a loss for words again. He didn't exactly have experience with relationships.

He cleared his throat. “I’m… sorry. You didn't deserve that.” He stopped for only a moment before he thought of something else to say. “And, if it makes you feel any better, I don’t go on many dates either.” 

“Thanks.” She gave him a smile, but it was different than the others. Castiel couldn't put his finger on why. “It’s just that I trusted him. I loved him. I would have never believed that he had been cheating. I just walked into his office one day, and, well, there they were.” She kept talking and seemed to forget he was there. “He blurted out a bunch of crap about it that was obviously a lie. I mean, he tried to cover it up when I could _see_ them right there, you know? Did he think I was _that_ stupid? Then of course he called he later saying that ‘it was a mistake’ and that ‘she means nothing.’ Please, like I would take him back.” She suddenly stopped talking as the realization that Castiel was there crept up on her. He didn't really care that she was rambling, and he politely listened. It was better than him telling her about himself. He wasn't sure what he would say.

“God, I’m sorry, Steve, you don’t want to hear this. I don’t know—I just…” It was weird seeing the tables turned and her at a loss for words. It made him feel a little better about himself. Of course, it only lasted a moment before he helped her out and spoke again. “No it’s fine,” Castiel said. “I’m okay with listening, really.”

Kathy smiled, but it just didn't seem to have the same effect on him as it had before. She always seemed so happy, but really she was heartbroken inside. It made him sad that there was yet another person to prove his notion that no one is ever really happy. Some people are just better at pretending than others.

“Well, enough about me. Tell me something about you,” she said as she poured more wine into both of their glasses. You would have never known the last minute happened. “Well, this past year hasn't been the best for me either,” Castiel said. He took a sip from his second glass of wine as he tried to find the right words. He knew he couldn't just tell the truth. “I… lost two people very close to me. The only two people I really had. And, well, I feel like it’s my fault even though it probably isn't. And after it happened, I shut myself out.” He didn't have anything else to say, but when he looked up towards Kathy he could tell she was waiting for more. “And?” she asked impatiently.

“Well, that’s it.” There came the nerves again. A part of him wanted to tell her everything. He wanted to open up and finally talk to someone who would understand. But, a bigger part of him knew he couldn’t do that. It would all sound ridiculous. He knew he had to lie.

Kathy spoke again. “Oh, that’s fine. I mean, I opened up to you, but noooo, you don’t need to reciprocate.” Castiel could tell it was sarcastic and that she was angry, and, once again, he didn’t know what to say. He was getting closer and closer to telling her the truth when she spoke again, this time in a more relaxed tone.

“Look, I’m sorry.” That surprised him. “Just because I’m okay with sharing doesn't mean you are. You don’t need to tell me the details if you don’t want to.” She seemed sympathetic. He wasn't used to sympathetic.

“Really?” Maybe she was being sarcastic again and he didn't notice.

“Yeah, we can talk about something else.”

_Great, anything else._

“Tell me about your childhood,” Kathy asked enthusiastically. She placed her elbow on the table and rested her chin in her hand, brown eyes staring at him. Castiel’s mind went blank. At least he had something to go off of when it came to recent events. But his childhood? He didn't know what to say about that. He had to family, no memories from his youth, no anything that went back further than a few years ago.

He realized it had been an uncomfortable amount of seconds since anyone said anything, so he blurted out the first thing that came to mind. “I didn't have a very good childhood.” Okay, that wasn't that bad. “I never knew my real parents and I…” Castiel stopped for a moment before blurting out another lie. “I grew up in foster care.” Where did that come from?

 It _was_ a pretty good cover up when he thought about it. If he never had a real family, she would never ask to meet anyone. The words started to flow out more smoothly as he continued. “I moved from family to family a lot and never really had a permanent home.”  Good. This was coming together better than he thought. Still, he felt guilty about lying to her—even if he had no other option.

He realized he was looking down at his plate and quickly looked up, meeting her eyes. That heartbroken look was plastered on her face again as she looked at him understandingly. Concerned. No one ever looked at him like that. “That must have been horrible,” she replied. Her voice was unsteady, and he realized that she was feeling sorry for him about something that never even happened. “It wasn't as bad as you might think,” Castiel blurted out.

 Kathy’s expression still didn't change as she spoke again.“Stop being modest.” She seemed genuinely upset that he was trying to push away her sympathy, and he felt a little guilty about it. She was _trying_ to be nice.

“I guess it could have been better, but my childhood was a long time ago. I've had time to get over it.” He hoped that last statement would end the discussion and Kathy would change the subject to something else, but she didn't seem to let go that easily. “But what about all those little memories? I mean, what about opening presents with your parents on Christmas morning, or sitting on your dad’s shoulders at a parade, or going down a rollercoaster with your brother—well maybe you still went on rollercoasters. Did you?” She was rambling again, but this time she didn't seem to notice. Or maybe she just didn't care.

It took a couple moments for Castiel to realize that she asked him a question. “Um, no I didn't. They’re not really something I categorize as fun.” It was the first honest thing he had told her in minutes.

Kathy sighed. “Sorry, I’m getting carried away. You probably don’t want to talk about this.” She raised a finger to point at him. “Just remind me that we have to go to a theme park sometime.” Castiel smiled. It was all he could think to do at the moment. “Noted.”

The rest of the night went over smoothly. It became easier and easier for him to talk to her—mostly because they averted away from those uncomfortable topics of conversation. They talked about movies and books and their favorite colors, and Castiel found himself smiling more and more as the night went on. He started noticing small things he didn't see in Kathy earlier. The way her eyes lit up when she talked about something she loved, or the little crinkles that formed by her eyes when she laughed. Neither of them noticed how long they had been sitting there until Kathy’s eyes averted towards the clock on the wall.

“Oh my God, it’s already 10:00?” she said, shocked. Castiel looked towards the clock too—10:08. It didn't feel like it had been three hours at all. Time usually seemed to drag on in his experience, but he guessed that tonight was an exception. “Yes, it’s getting late,” he said in reply. “I guess I should be leaving.”

She seemed a little disappointed if anything, but Castiel didn't seem to notice. “Yeah—leaving—right,” Kathy said back. He got up from his chair and turned to her. “Dinner was lovely. Thank you for having me.” He gave her a sincere smile and looked to her eyes. “Will I be seeing you again, Steve?” she said in a formal tone, playfully mocking him. Of course, he was oblivious to it.

“I would hope so.” Castiel was surprised the date went so well. He didn't say many stupid things, and anything stupid he did say, Kathy usually took as a joke. He wished he could stay longer. “Do you want my phone number?” He still didn't know everything about dates, but he did know it was customary to trade phone numbers afterwards.

“Sure.” She stood up and took a slip of paper from a drawer in the counter and handed it to him, along with a pencil. Excitement raced through him at the thought of seeing her again as he scribbled down his cell number. “Here.” He gave the paper and pencil back to her and turned towards the door.

She followed him to there, and Castiel stopped right before the exit and turned around. “Thanks, again,” he said.

“I’ll call you.”

Castiel only smiled as he impulsively leaned in to kiss her on the cheek. It was almost nice, but Castiel pulled back almost immediately. He knew his face was turning red the moment he looked her in the eyes. She was still smiling. Always smiling.

“Well, um, goodbye then,” he said quickly as he turned around and walked out, closing the door behind him. Nothing had been awkward for almost three hours, and then he did that. He felt stupid again. And nervous. How could he feel nervous when she wasn't even there? Castiel tried to forget about it as he hurriedly walked down the stairs and out the door. He crossed his arms over his chest and shivered as he walked through the cold air to his car. Castiel thought over the date as he drove home, hoping it went well for her, too.

Little did he know, Kathy was still smiling as she cleared off the table from dinner.


End file.
